Things That Should Have Existed: Heat Vision and Jack

Things That Should Have Existed: Heat Vision and Jack

I’m possibly late to the party, but I still had to post about this because it is too awesome not to. So, this was a real television pilot proposed in 1999 and turned down by Fox (another reason other than the cancellation of Firefly to hate Fox).

Just look at this description:

The on-the-run adventures of astronaut Jack Black who gets superpowers after a space accident, and fights crime with the talking motorcycle named Heatvision (voiced by Owen Wilson), powered by the mind of his unemployed roommate.streaming movie Transformers: The Last Knight 2017

Tell me that was not written by the gods of comedy themselves.

Just read these character descriptions (via wikipedia):

  • Jack Austin, a former astronaut. He was exposed to inappropriate levels of solar energy, giving him superintelligence. He appears to lose this intelligence at night, requiring only Earth-normal levels of daylight to reactivate it. His catchphrases are “I know EVERYTHING!” and “Knowledge is power… for real.” Played by Jack Black.
  • Heat Vision, a talking motorcycle. He was created when Jack’s unemployed roommate Doug was shot by a ray, causing him to merge with his motorcycle. He is capable of speech and can fight by ramming into opponents. He is unable to use doorknobs and is unable to right himself if pushed over. Voiced by Owen Wilson.
  • Ron Silver, the main villain. He works for NASA, and will stop at nothing to capture or kill Jack Austin, but he also dabbles in acting, perhaps as a diversion, perhaps as a cover. He appears to be invulnerable, shrugging off the threat of being shot and later displaying great annoyance but no injury or pain when he actually is shot. Played by himself.
  • An unnamed sheriff, played by guest star Christine Taylor. Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor, now husband and wife, met on the set ofHeat Vision and Jack.
  • A cook named Frank, who becomes possessed by an alien broadcast and thereafter calls himself Paragon. Played by Vincent Schiavelli.

Lucky for us that although this gem never saw the light of day, the pilot survives thanks to the Internet. Tell me you wouldn’t have watched the crap out of this. I dare you.

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